I Shouldn't Have To
by AllMyAprilShips
Summary: Just like the events of the storm, they never saw it coming. Even though Jackson and April both have walked away from what happened and what was said, it seems like destiny is not done with them and they are thrown another test... This time is Jackson's turn to take action. Will almost loosing April make him realize the clarity she felt when she almost lost him? Find out!
1. Chapter 1

Hello Readers!

If you came here from Tumblr, Thank you for your support.

For those who came here through fanfic and clicked on my story, Thank you!

Disclamier: This is a fanfic based on the character's and story line of Grey's Anatomy. All right to Shonda Rhimes.

Special thanks to my friend Maria, who does more than edit, but bounces ideas with me.

Happy reading!

* * *

It was past midnight when the hospital paged, either really late or ridiculously early; depending on the person. Jackson hated being called in when he was already sound asleep, but it was the life of a surgeon. It was a 911, which he found strange given the fact that he hadn't had any patients, too busy planning the Gala. He, of course, still got up waking up a very naked Stephanie next to him. "Jackson..?" she said still half as sleep.

"I got paged 911. You keep sleeping. I'll see you later," he said leaning in for a kiss. He pecked her lips, got dressed and headed to the hospital where he was greeted by Meredith and Alex. "Are you guys here just…waiting for me?" Jackson tilting his head with curiosity as they headed towards the attending's lounge.

"Yeah man, it's nothing, just change and we'll take you to the patient," Alex said rubbing his head. The subtle act of nerves made it clear he was hiding something. Tonight, Jackson was too tired to try to pull it out of him.

Jackson changed into his scrubs and they lead him to a trauma room. He was about to walk in when both Meredith and Alex got stepped into his line of sight. "Before you go in, you have to know that we called you because you are the best plastic fellow and we trust you. Dr. Hunt didn't want you to deal with the patient but we promised him that you would keep it together, so please…." Meredith pleaded. Jackson could not imagine what would make him lose his cool so he just nodded and they entered the room. It was chaotic, as he expected. Jackson made quick work of taking new gloves and sliding them on.

"What do we got?" he asked as he walked towards the patient and suddenly felt cold. The kind of cold that comes from the inside out, the kind of cold you only feel when you fear for your life; when you feel like the world is ending. That kind of cold that takes normally collected man over completely. "A-April," he managed to blurt out. He took notice of her pink dress that was ripped, caked in dirt and bloody. Her angelic face was bruised and cut, and now all he felt was rage...Pure rage, his nostrils flared up angrily. If he could get his hands on the ones who had done this to her …"What happened?" he asked looking around the room noting the hesitation in all their faces. That alone told him just how bad this was.

"The EMT brought her in. There was a 911 call, someone found her at the steps of her apartment building," Owen explained to him "She was conscious when they brought her in, she told us that…Jackson, April was beaten and raped, she told us tha—"

"Dammit!" he screamed, not letting him finish. He wanted to punch something, someone, he wanted to kill the man who did this.

"She told us that," Dr. Hunt said making himself loud enough to be heard over his colleague's frustration, "that she scratched the man, so his DNA is under her nails. We already collected and gave it to the police. If you can't work on her face…"

"No, no one else is touching her face, no one is touching her," he said possessively. "She won't have any scars with the way I do it. I don't trust anyone to not leave a scar that will remind her of everything that she went through tonight. Even if they don't mean to," he said looking at her face. He wanted to touch her, give her something familiar. A touch that went far beyond examination. A touch that was a delicate and kind. One he knew would be nowhere near as monstrous as this. It didn't take long for him to see just how bad it was with his own eyes. The traces of prints much too large in comparison to her small frame, an angry red against her skin.

Jackson tried to detach himself from everything. He couldn't let himself feel even a little, because even that was too much. As he scrubbed in he watched the scrub nurses prepping her, feeling more like a zombie than he ever had before. He was in auto pilot. They all set to work, Jackson working on her face with more care and concern for accuracy than he ever bothered with before. Stitching her up, he was trying not to process anything, trying to just focus on his work. He was forced to snap back when the beeping coming from one of the monitors became alarming. "What happened?"

"Her BP is dropping, I can't control the bleeding." Both Bailey and Meredith worked quickly to find the source of the bleeding.

"I got it," said Meredith, finding the source and dealing with it as her Blood Pressure stabilized.

"Jesus," Jackson said looking down at April and all the emotions hit him again like a ton of bricks. He couldn't lose her. It was not an option, simply not an option

"You okay, Jackson?" Meredith asked without looking at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine just…Let's just get her out of here," He said, going back to focusing on the cut, on his work, but not the face he was working on.

* * *

After surgery, Jackson removed his gown and gloves roughly. He was still angry, he couldn't think as the rage was still flowing through him. He could feel it in every bone of his body, every cell, every part of him was just pure rage.

"Jackson…" Meredith started.

"Don't, okay? Don't tell me that it's going to be okay because it's not," he said looking at her "She was raped, Mer, raped! A man force himself on her, he held her down and did what he wanted with her!" He was screaming as he continued pacing around the empty OR where only he and Meredith stood. "Then that bastard had the balls to beat her up and she was awake for everything. She felt every punch and kick ... Everything thrust" he added disgusted at the thought. At this point he was almost crying, his anger morphing into tears. "So don't tell me is going to be okay because April will never forget it. She's already uncomfortable when she's not in control and for someone to just…" he closed his eyes and kicked one of the trays "Dammit!" he growled, He was hopeless. He hadn't been there for her. He remembered seeing her in the hallway. Drunk with Arizona. If he had made sure that she got home safely it would have never happened.

"Jackson, April will wake up anytime. She'll want to see someone she trusts and you are the closest one to her. You need to be there," Meredith said before leaving. She was not mad at his reaction; she would have been worried if he didn't let all of it out the way he did.

Jackson just nodded and headed towards her room. She looked so broken and battered. April was so tiny and so angelic he couldn't think of anyone even considering harming her. He took a seat and pulled the chair closer to her. He took her hand but almost regretted it as he thought about how much she would hate to be touched. "I'm sorry, April…I'm so sorry," he said closing his eyes and pressing his face to her unharmed hand. He kissed it and let himself cry. Regardless of what they were at the moment; she was the most important thing to him right now. All he could think about was the last time he saw her.

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

_As he walked down the hallway, looking for Stephanie, he heard the very loud laughs of two women. When he turned onto the next hallway he saw April Kepner and Arizona Robbins holding each other up and laughing. Jackson couldn't help but smile at the sight, it was really entertaining actually. _

_April had messy hair, and was flushed, her lips a bit pouty, she looked like she'd just had sex, and for a second he thought maybe these two did but…It was April Kepner and that was not going to happen. He walked up to both woman with his eyebrows raised. "So, it seems like you guys had more fun than the rest of us," he said as the woman tried their best to hold each other._

_"I'm going to look for Murphy…" Arizona said and walked away, leaving a drunken April with him. _

_April was ready to take a step but tripped and Jackson caught her. She did not hold back her laughter "I'm sorry," she said between giggles as she leaned on him "You smell nice."_

_"Thanks," he simply said as he held her up "You okay, April? Are you sure you will get home fine?"_

_"Yeah, I have my best friend with me," she looked around looking for Arizona. "Where did she go?" she asked, like a little kid who just lost her toy._

_Jackson smiled and pulled back the piece of her hair that was out of place "She will be right back," he told her. He couldn't even be mad. She was too cute at the moment, and she looked like she always did after they had sex. Face flushed and hair coming out in all directions._

_"You are so hot," April said looking at him "When I was with you I couldn't believe you would be interested in someone like me," she said chuckling "I am plain and simple," she said shrugging, as she went back to looking for Arizona._

_"You are anything but plain and simple, April. You never were," he said in a ghostly voice. She will probably forget all of this in the morning._

_"Why didn't you give me a reason?" she asked him, this time almost crying._

_Jackson hated to see her cry. It was physically painful to watch. "April…" he said sweetly "I shouldn't have to," was all he said before they got interrupted. _

_"There you are!" said Arizona coming towards April and pulling at her excitedly. "I thought I lost you. Come on, Murphy got us a cab" she said and waving back to Jackson._

_"Adios, Jack-man" April said smiling at him, as if forgetting the fact that she was almost crying a second ago._

_With that he was off to search for Stephanie._

**END OF FLASHBACK**

* * *

"I shouldn't have to…" he said to himself. That was the last thing he had said to her.

Maybe he shouldn't have to….But he should have anyway.

* * *

Please Read and Review

Let me know what you guys think if you liked it or not.

Stay Tuned!


	2. Chapter 2

Oh Happy day,

this fanfic is being updater.

Thank you for all those that have reviewed , put on alert, and favor me as author.

Disclaimer is on the first chapter

**Happy Reading!**

* * *

Jackson was irritated. Not only did he get almost no sleep, but he was no longer in the room with April. Matthew had come along, and he was no longer needed. It wasn't like April herself threw him out; she had yet to wake up. They told him there was no neurological damage and that she would wake up in her own time.

"Is she awake yet?" asked intern Shane Ross, who was not his favorite person. He did kiss his girlfriend. But the thought of it seemed almost stupid now. Regardless of what happened, Dr. Ross was worried about April. He heard him telling the other interns stories about how she was the first that wanted to teach them and how she was still really the only one who really genuinely cared about their success.

"No, she hasn't," Jackson told him keeping his gaze low as he leaned against the surgical circulation desk. Satisfied with the little information the attending provided and not wanting to press anymore, Shane quickly picked up his mood.

"Well, alright. Keep us posted," he said, trying to lighten the thickness of the air around them. Jackson didn't even bother with a sufficient reply deciding instead to offer a short nod, sighing as the man finally turned his back.

"Hi," said a voice from behind him as arms wrapped around his waist.

_Stephanie_ he thought. In all the rush, worry, and adrenaline, he had completely forgotten about her.

"Hey," he said turning to face her, Stephanie's arms still wrapped around him. The kiss to her forehead he offered was nothing short of habitual, almost automatic. "When did you get here?"

"Just now…"she said, her tone wasn't as perky and happy as it usually was when it came to him. "I heard about Dr. Kepner, I'm so sorry, Jackson" she offered giving him a light smile.

Jackson could only mirror the expression. If she only knew. How easily things had changed for him the night before …How drastically his priorities were rearranged. "Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Really great people," he said chuckling at the irony of life. "But that seems to be a pattern in this hospital."

He barely had time to finish his thought before a scream echoed in the hallways of the surgical wing. The familiar sound was unmistakable. Stephanie and Jackson made brief eye contact before they both ran toward the sound. They found a horrified April fighting off Matthew and a nurse.

The nurse looked at Jackson as Matthew did his best trying to calm her down. "We were going to draw some blood for tests, make sure she didn't catch anything and she woke up…." Jackson rolled his eyes in frustration. The woman was obviously new.

"I'll do it. Just leave everything here," he said making his way over to Matthew. "Are you stupid? Why are you holding her down? They teach you _nothing_ in med school? You don't hold down a…" The doctor quickly stopped himself, letting the sentence go unfinished. He could barely digest the word, let alone say it out loud. Almost speaking the word only served to make him angrier. The guy needed to get out of here before he did something more to piss him off. "After everything she is been through…" Before Matthew could say anything, Jackson moved him out of the way. Matthew wanted to say something but the look in Jackson's eyes quickly silenced him. "Everyone leave, I got her."

Stephanie could see that it was a demand, an order, not at all up for discussion. As she led Matthew out of the room, she shook her head softly biting her lip. "I've never seen him like that…"

"I've seen April just like that, the time Jackson almost died," Matthew said, frustrated that this guy was helping his fiancé when, as her to-be husband, he should have been able to. "It's normal, I guess, given their history," he shrugged as he began to pace a short length of the hall.

"History?! I didn't know Jackson was involved with Dr. Kepner."

"Yeah, I know how you feel. It wasn't till recently that I found out he was her first time," Matthew said, irritated and frustrated as he looked at his watch. "Look, I have to go to work. Can you please keep me updated…? Thank you." And with that, he was gone. In his wake he left a shocked and confused Stephanie

* * *

"April," Jackson said not bothering looking back at either of them as they quietly left the room. "April, please look at me. It's just me. It's Jackson."

Jackson stayed quiet and motionless as she took to punching his chest, pushing him away. She had no idea who it was and in that moment, was in no position to care. She wanted people to stop touching her. She wanted everything to stop. April wished more than anything to just go back to sleep, left completely unaware of just how dirty she now felt and likely was. She wanted to forget.

Jackson grabbed gently at her face then hoping to pull her out of whatever it was that had taken her over. "Open your eyes, April," he said shaking her little as he moved down to meet her at eye level. She opened them when he shook her, a gasp quickly turning into a sob. Just the sight of him sent her over the edge. She knew that with him she could be weak and broken. She didn't have to fight anymore. She was safe. She clutched to him tightly as he held her, almost convinced that if she didn't, what little remained of her sanity would disappear. April didn't know what she was feeling but she wanted it to stop. She wanted to stop hurting this badly, her grip on him never loosening. As if he was the antidote to her eventual calm.

"Jackson…" His name came out in a sob. It had Jackson frustrated. He wanted to do more, wishing more than anything that he could ease or stop her pain and confusion. Someone did the unthinkable, the unforgivable to his best friend, to _his_ April. He silently swore that whoever it was would pay for her pain. All he could do was hold her, give her just what she wanted. Jackson made sure not to take hold of her too tightly allowing her to do most, if not all of the holding. He couldn't imagine her wanting to be touched. She was l crying, her hair wet in places where it stuck to her tear-stained face. Distress was still there but had died down some as she finally allowed herself to slowly let go of him. She leaned back in the bed and licked her lips "Sorry…" she said pointing at the wet spot on his scrub.

Jackson wanted to laugh. Of course April would apologize in this situation. "No April, you did nothing wrong." His tone stayed low and sweet as he took a seat next to her on the bed. She just nodded and looked down at her lap, the tears continuing silently. Jackson just looked at her, so fragile and broken. The last thing he wanted to do was to poke her with a needle but they needed those blood samples. "April, they need to do some blood work. I'll do it; I just need your okay."

April looked up at him "It's to make sure I didn't get HIV or anything else, right?" she asked, knowing the answer, but she asked anyway. There was no use lying to her. It wouldn't any good, and Jackson knew that.

"Yeah…" he said looking at her hand as he held it. "But it's just a precaution, you know. It doesn't mean that you have it." He gave her a reassuring nod as he reached behind her and put on gloves and prepped the area to draw blood. He tried to move slowly, no sudden movements, not wanting to scare her. He apologized when he heard her let out a small gasp, wincing slightly. He didn't want to be another source of pain, drawing from him a string of whispered apologies.

April watched his careful movements, letting out a quiet sigh of relief. He was always delicate with her, but he was managing her like she was going to break. "Jackson…you won't break me…I trust you," she told him, her voice barely audible shaking slightly.

He pressed his lips in a hard line and nodded, fighting the urge to cry. He had cried more in the past 12 hours than he had his entire life. "I know, I just…" He looked up when he finished drawing the last of the blood.

"I know," she said reaching for his face. The fact that she was comforting him through this situation made his heart hurt even more. He should have been the one protecting; the one to make her feel better. But here she was thinking about how hard it must be for the people that love her. Because he did love her, so much, and this was the reason….One of hundreds really but this was one of the more astounding ones. April Kepner was and would always be selfless.

She pulled lightly at Jackson, the two embracing each other, the feel of the other's arms around them somehow drawing the truth from them. It was then that they both cried. "I'm sorry," Jackson mumbled, feeling stupid for allowing himself to breakdown, for not being there, for not giving her a reason. Apologized for every wrong he should have made right but didn't.

"Sometimes bad things happen to good people," she said, and he smiled. Those words were the ones he used to comfort Stephanie. Thinking about Stephanie as he held April felt wrong, but he didn't feel like he was cheating on Stephanie in being there for her. Instead it felt very much like he was cheating on April.

He pulled away and gave her a small smile. "Let me just give these to one of interns to get this to the lab. Bailey and Grey should be here soon. They will tell you about the surgery." With that, he stood and started to gather everything. "Page me if anything," he said and kissed her forehead.

* * *

Stephanie had been watching them from a window. They looked so…They looked so in sync. She was glad Dr. Kepner looked ten times better in spirit. Her boyfriend was the reason of that and Jackson looked to be in his rightful place at April's side. She felt like an idiot then. It was all right there in front of her. How could she not have noticed this before? Now everything she'd witnessed made her feel like she had always been second best.

When she noticed Jackson getting ready to leave, she tried to look busy. Jackson stopped and gave the samples he took to nurse so she could take them to the lab. "Hey…Sorry, April needed me," he said as he came to Stephanie's side.

"It seemed like you needed her too," she said raising her eyebrows

"April and I…"

"…have a history. Yeah, I heard. Why didn't you tell me you guys dated? That you…?" she looked around as she lowered her voice. "That you were her first time?"

"Who told you?" he asked

"That's all you can say…? Look Jackson, I gotta go. I'll see you after rounds," she said and with that she was gone

* * *

Thank you for reading!

I hope you guys liked it this chapter as much as the first one.

**STAY TUNED!**


	3. Chapter 3

Hello my loyal readers!

I cannot express the gratitude I feel for you guy's respond to his Fic.

This is all for you, and I love that you love it so much

Disclaimer is in Chapter One

Happy reading!

* * *

The surgical floor had police officers roaming around. They have come to question April Kepner, to get statements from her surgeons, and to identify the man who had done this to her. They had also come to do a rape kit, something that April was not looking forward to.

"Ms. Kepner," the officer greeted as he made his way into the room where April and Matthew were waiting anxiously.

"Doctor," Matthew corrected.

"Apologies. We have a DNA match," the officer said as he approached, offering April a file that she opened with trembling hands. "His name is Gary Nelson, and he is listed in the system as a sexual offender. This is not his first time," he said "We want to build an air tight case for the prosecutor, and although we collected the DNA sample under your nails we still need to do a rape kit to charge this man with rape and assault." This made April gulp, a nervous knot forming in her stomach. She had seen enough on TV to know what such a thing demanded. "We have our own doctor that will collect more samples and will take the pictures, thank you for your time.".

**[Note: it had not been 24hrs, this picks up a little after chapter 2]**

"My name is Dr. Harris, I will be collecting the DNA samples today," said the woman. April was happy to see that it was a woman of her size. That would make whatever this examination made of her at least fractionally easier, though nothing about this situation was. April quickly concluded that it must have been why she got the job. At least now she had less room to feel threatened. "Would you like him to stay?" she asked nodding over to Matthew who sat next to his fiancé trying to hide his unease.

"No, he's not staying," April said quickly turning to him. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No it's fine, I'll be right outside if you need me. I won't let anyone in, I promise," he said giving her a small, sweet smile that April returned. He had been great with all of this, but she could not help but want him gone all the time. What happened seemed to drive her even further from him, and it was not fair to put him through all of this. She could see it was hard on him. Once he was gone, she moved to get off the bed.

This could not be over soon enough. The fact that she had to be exposed to a total stranger was just painful. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the flashes in her face, doing her best to keep her body from shaking. As she trembled, April had to fight the scream that had made its way to the back of her throat, trying to keep her noises to a minimum as her hands begged to push the woman away when she asked to open her legs.

* * *

On the other side of the door stood Matthew and an approaching Jackson.

"What's going on?" Jackson asked.

"They're doing a rape kit," Matthew barely choked out, the word sitting like a tiny flame at the back of his throat, impossible to shape.

Jackson nodded as he stood there silently for a couple of seconds. "Look, man, I'm sorry about how I reacted before. She was freaking out which puts me on edge…I know you want the best for her too," he said rubbing the back of his neck "So, are we cool?" Jackson held out his hand to Matthew who shook it.

"Yeah, I guess I just froze…They teach you all these things as an EMT but when it's someone you care about… it's just hard," Matthew said by way of explanation.

"Yeah…" Jackson said quietly. He hadn't allowed himself to think a lot about it because when he did, he became instantly angry and sad. The emotions were too overwhelming. All the same, he had no choice but to feel them. He had to deal as best he could with the reality that she had been raped. But thank God for the person exiting April's room. For just one more moment he didn't have to let those emotions sink in.

"We have all the evidence we need, you can go in now," the doctor said. And with that, Matthew made his way back in, Jackson not far behind.

"Jackson," April greeted with a small smile "When did you get here?"

"I was walking by and I saw him standing outside. Thought I would keep him company," Jackson provided simply providing a layer of quiet charm with his response.

"It's good that you're here," Matthew said. "Because I just wanted to be here for when the police arrived but I already have to go…Make sure I'm updated," he told April as his lips hovered over hers.

"I will make sure you know my blinking count at the end of the day," she joked, feeling lighter now that she was safe under the covers. She held his face and kissed him briefly. "Go, I don't want you to get in trouble," she said.

"I won't," he responded before pulling away. As he walked out he made eye contact with Jackson and offered him a nod as he exited.

"You seem better," Jackson noted making his way to her side. "I'm glad to see that."

"I have to be, for him," April said referring to Matthew.

"You don't have to be strong for him. He has to be strong for you," Jackson said frowning.

"Have you ever had someone you just want to keep innocent?" she asked.

Jackson wanted to say yes and that it was her, but he refrained "No, why?"

"Well, Matthew is that to me. This is hard for the people that love me, and being strong for those people is also being strong for me. Because if he loses it then I lose it too," she explained. "I have to be strong for you too, Jackson, and that's okay. You've lost a lot of people already, and you aren't going to lose me."

"You don't have to be strong for anybody," he said. "At least not right now." Her selflessness warmed his heart, equally terrifying him. She was right but he couldn't help thinking that the mask she wore would only serve her poorly later. As much as he admired her consistency, now was the one time she could falter; where being rightfully afraid wouldn't make anybody think any less of her, Jackson especially. He nodded in understanding and just smiled as he took a spot next to her bed and held her hand. "I'm glad I won't have to learn what life without you is like, April Kepner." His lips pressed into a hard line as he looked down at his own hand holding her. "I get it now," he said looking up at her. "I understand how you felt that night of the storm, and why you said the things you said. When you coded in the OR…I thought I was going to die too," he admitted.

"Jackson, what are you saying…?"

"I'm saying," he smiled hiding the agony that came with realizing his emotions "That I'm glad you're alive, and I'm sorry I didn't give you a reason…I see now that you deserve one, even if I shouldn't have to." He let go of her hand and stood up "I'll come visit you later."

He left, and behind stayed a very shocked April Kepner. After her initial surprise she was happy he said it, and angry that it took this happening for him to finally realize anything. Now she understood why he was such an ass. The universe was forcing them to walk in each other's shoes. What else did it have in mind?

* * *

After Jackson's visit the nurse had come to check on her and give her pain killers which knocked her out easily enough. Sleep was something she welcomed, she didn't have to feel or think or be strong. She didn't have to be anything, but she didn't count on the nightmares.

"April, wake up." April opened her eyes frantically to find a blond woman who had spent the previous night with her. "April, it's me Arizona. You were having a nightmare. It's okay, you're safe." April nodded as she took a deep breath.

"How long have you been here?"

"Just a little while," Arizona answered. "April, I'm so sorry, we should have stayed together. That would have been the smart thing to do."

"So both of us could get hurt? No. Look things happened and we weren't really thinking. There is no point in thinking about what could have gone right. It's over. Nothing can be done about it now."

Arizona just nodded. April was right, but she couldn't help feeling some guilt. If she had not been moping, they would have not gotten drunk. Then maybe this would not have happened "How are you feeling?" Arizona asked which gained a sigh and shrug from April. "Yeah I bet you've been hearing that a lot," she added with a laugh.

"It's alright…I am … I keep saying that I am fine but I'm not," April says with a small smile as tears fall before she can stop them. "I wanted to die. After he was done, I wanted to die. I don't know how I am supposed to ever be okay," she admitted choking on a sob. "But I have to be, for my friends and family. I can't even find peace in my sleep," she whispered. "I think about it constantly when I'm awake and I thought that maybe if I sleep…But there is no escape and I'm scared all the time that it happen again."

"April," Arizona said and she moved to hold her hand. "I don't know what you're suppose to say when things like this happen, and I don't know how you are supposed to get over it but… You have people here. People who love you. People who will fight for you. I mean, as you slept, Jackson was hovering and the others came to check on you too. You don't have to be strong for them. They're waiting for you to need them." April just nodded as she kept crying. Arizona pulled her into a cautious hug trying to be as much comfort as possible. "I know it's not okay now, but it will be. You just have to stick it out a little more and things will start working out." When April finally calmed she pulled away.

"Thank you," she said, gently wiping her tear stained cheek. "You said Jackson was hovering?"

"Yes, he was watching every nurse that came in asking questions but he didn't come in…Why? Is something going on with you two?" Arizona asked curiously.

"No… I mean, he said something before leaving and I just wanted to know if he had stopped by again," April said trying not to say too much.

"Well, what did he say?"

"He said…" she paused for a second "I better start from the beginning. The night of the storm, Jackson almost died, or could have died. I thought he did and I felt my world crashing down and I realized how much he meant to me. I…" she hesitated, this being the first time she spoke of the dreaded night to anyone. "I told him that I wanted him. I asked him to give me a reason not to marry Matthew."

"Oh…"was all Arizona could say.

"He didn't and he later on told me that this is not how it should be. I shouldn't be thinking maybe this guy, maybe that guy and he was right for me," April said shrugging "So now he and I have been trying to be friends but we suck at being friends. You know, that happens after you sleep with them. Either way, he told me that he gets it now, that he understands why I said the things I said. He's glad that I was alive and he doesn't have to know a world without me…" April said letting his words run through her head again. "He told me he was sorry he didn't give me a reason, that I deserved one even if he shouldn't have to…What does it mean?"

"First, wow I didn't know Jackson could be so sentimental," exclaimed the PEDs surgeon. "And what I think he meant is that if that was true, what you felt, he shouldn't have to give you a reason. That alone should be a reason, and I think he's right. April… Are you sure you want to marry Matthew?"

That was the questions of the century. "Matthew is a good man, and I love him"

"You didn't answer my question," said the blond, eyeing her. "You don't have to answer now but, regardless of what Jackson feels, maybe you shouldn't be marrying Matthew if you're questioning things and still have feelings for someone else. It doesn't matter if he returns them or not…"

April frowned, just what she wanted, something else to think about, something else to add to the list. "I … I never thought of it that way. I guess I haven't been fair to either of them," April said sighing "Crap," was all she said as she fell into the bed.

"April, it's okay. Just make sure you know your answer before you make any permanent life choices." Arizona was interrupted by her pager then and sighed, offering her friend an apologetic look. "I gotta go. Remember, we are here for you, not you for us."

April could have been fine without that talk, but she knew Arizona was right and she hated it. Matthew Taylor was everything she ever wanted and dreamed of, but that was just it. She wanted that. She dreamed the perfect life back in the day before she knew anything else. He was still a good guy, a modern day knight who reminded her that a fairy tale ending was still possible in this world. But despite all of that, she still thought of Jackson often, and all they had shared. All that they still could.

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I hope you guys like this chapter.

I was very happy to incorporate Kepzone friendship, I love it.

Please let me know what you guys thought of it and if there is something that you want to see. Maybe we can work something out

STAY TUNED!


	4. Chapter 4

**HELLO READERS!**

**Sorry for the long update but it is finally here.**

**Happy Reading!**

**Refer to chapter one for disclaimer**

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Jackson sat in the cafeteria playing with his food. The conversation he'd had with April played continuously in his head. The words he'd used came as a surprise to even him, formed before he could process anything. It was like reality had smacked him in the face, and he was finally able to see what he hadn't before. He loved her and he always had. He couldn't imagine a time after she had come into his life that he didn't. Being with April, Jackson had experienced genuine happiness. He still stood by what he said; that sleeping together is something he will never regret, but he wished he had given her what she wanted. If they hadn't been so rash, if they had thought better, she would likely still be a virgin for her wedding night. A celebration that would be in a field with butterflies. He couldn't help the smile that formed. April Kepner was everything that good in this world.

When he started his internship at Mercy West Jackson was running away from a world where he was handed virtually everything, living life off a silver platter. Life before April was one in which all who crossed him saw him simply as an Avery, and not just Jackson. And her she was, a farm girl who has fought to make it out of a small town. A girl who probably didn't apply to Ivy League schools because she couldn't afford it but was more than capable of getting in. Someone so special should want for nothing. That's why he let her go, so she had a chance to get those good things. It made so much sense back then but hindsight was always 20/20. Now, looking at everything, it was a stupid thing to do. So here he was in the cafeteria trying not to let her fill his head, but the more he tried not to, the more she did.

"Mind if I sit?" came a voice. Looking up, he met a familiar gaze. The one who by title should not have to ask permission for anything.

"Yeah, please," Jackson said as he sat up and looked at her."Look, I'm sorry that I lied to you by omission…When we got together it was still very fresh and I didn't want to talk about it and then I just never did," he said explained.

Stephanie just nodded, obviously with lot of questions in mind. There were so many things she wanted to say but only one thing came out. "Was I the rebound?"

"I… Stephanie, it may have started as something not serious but that changed," he said, trying to make it better.

"It's a yes or no question, Jackson. You're a plastic surgeon and you can't answer a yes or no question?"

"Yes," he told her, knowing that beating around the bush was not something she would appreciate at the moment. "But like a said, it may have started that way but it is not that anymore."

"Alright, tell me everything. Tell me what you have been holding out on," she said taking a deep breath and silently praying for patience. Stephanie tried to keep a straight face as he told her about his history with April Kepner. The shooting, their living together, their boards, and their pregnancy scare. How he was willing to marry her just at the possibility of it, and how he walked away even when he didn't want to. "Did you love her?"

Jackson smiled at the question "I loved April before boards. She is my best friend, one of those people you will always love."

"That's not what I asked," Stephanie said as her eyes moved to the fork that played with her food "Were you in love with her?" Before he could speak, his body betrayed him with a nod. A nod he tried to stop as soon as he noticed the motion of his head. A nod Stephanie noticed, the sight of it letting a semi scowl cross her lips. "Are you in love with her now?"

"…I don't know," he answered. He lied, and she knew it. His body was not on his side. Jackson's eyes told Stephanie the truth and he could not stop it.

"That's not enough, for me. I'm sorry, Jackson but I deserve a person who knows. I deserve more than the ghost of a person, and you were wrong to walk away from her and make me walk towards you when you were not willing to meet me halfway," she said standing up. "I'm sorry Jackson, but unless you can give me a good reason we should be together I think it's time I walk away." As much as he tried to find words to prove Stephanie otherwise, his mind was blank.

"For what it's worth, I tried and I wanted it to be good between us." Stephanie nodded at his words and walked away without one in return. As he watched her leave, Jackson couldn't help feeling like an ass. He didn't know when he had become such a bad guy. Walking away from his best friend, from someone he loved, and then making a girl fall for him with no intentions of catching her.

"Dude, what did you do? The intern you were shaking it up with just stole my girlfriend. Now I'm stuck eating lunch with you," Alex said, grumpy as usual. He took a seat and was about to eat, a forkful of food hanging in midair as he eyed Jackson. "Avery, did you hear anything I said?"

Jackson looked at him dazed and shook his head. "Sorry," he muttered running a hand over his head "Sorry about Jo. Stephanie and I just broke up and I guess she needed some girl time or something," he shrugged as he kept eating; shrugging it off like it was nothing, forgetting that Alex Karev invented the whole apathetic act.

"Okay, just stop," Alex protested "You're not the type of guy that doesn't care so don't start. That's my thing." Alex rolled his eyes at his friend. Why was he always the one taking care of everything and pushing people the right direction? He almost laughed then. Alex seemed like the only one who knew what the _right direction_ was, despite always finding a way down the wrong one. Irony at its finest. "So, you broke a girl's heart, big deal, they get over it… Believe me I know. But sometimes you have to do what's right for you and we all know what that is. It's about time you knew it too."

"And what is that?" Jackson asked, amusing his friend.

"Not what," Alex said as he bit into his sandwich "Who." Jackson waited for Alex to elaborate, but the man took his time enjoying the bite of his sandwich. Alex swallowed and drank some of his water and looked back at Jackson like the idiot he felt he was being "Freakin' Kepner," Alex said irritated "You were best friends, or whatever, and you had sex and both of you stare at each other with stupid eyes…It's disgusting," he continued. "If what you guys had really meant nothing then you guys would still be friends but as it is, you guys can barely be in the same room. I mean, a blind mind could see it. And you, Avery, are an an idiot for letting her get away." Alex's wise words were easily interrupted by his pager, which he readily glared at, his food only half eaten. "Freakin' A, I blame you for not enjoying my lunch," Karev said and with that he was gone

Jackson chuckled and shook his head. Leave it to Alex Karev to knock some senses into you.

* * *

"Hello Dr. Kepner, I am Dr. Bowen and I am a psychologist here at this hospital," said that nice older woman that sat on a chair next to April's bed. "How are you feeling today?"

April took a deep breath "I am… okay" she answered the psychologist. The woman nodded. "And how are you coping with what happened to you?" she tried asking the question a different way; likely taught to do so to keep her calm.

"Rape…How are you coping with being raped? I think that's what you wanted to ask, Dr. Bowen," April corrected her. Dr. Bowen only nodded and looked at her, waiting for an answer "I'm coping fine," she said shortly.

"I'm not going to treat you like I do my other patients, because I feel like it would insult you. But you need to talk to me so I can help you, and you are not saying anything, you are hiding behind phrases and it's not going to help you. They are retarding your recuperation."

April looked out to the window and bit her bottom lip as her eyes misted over. "I don't know what you want me to say. Isn't that what everyone wants to hear? How I'm okay, how I'm fine, how everything will work out?" April shook her head releasing her tears "No one wants to hear about how disgusting I feel, how there is this shame I can't get rid of. I can't say that because I know it's not my fault. But I still feel blame. Am I supposed to give them the story, line for line about how the bruises on my body are worst now because I was in the shower scrubbing until I bled in places, pressing so hard hoping against all hope that I would stop feeling his hands on me? Am I supposed to tell them how I want to rip off my own skin? How even just the thought of anyone looking at me makes my skin crawl? Or do I go so far as to tell them how I want to disappear and just die!" April shook as she buried her hand in her hair. After a minute or two of crying she calmed down enough. "How can I tell them that and expect them to deal with it when I know this and I am falling apart? I feel myself slipping to pure insanity and I want to because maybe then it won't hurt so much."

The therapist watched her silently, locating a box of tissues before handing it to her. "I believe you're a Trauma surgeon here, am I right?" April nodded as she dried her tears "When a trauma patient comes in, and he or she is tired but they have a chance if they can just hold on, what do you tell them?"

April took a deep breath and looked at the psychologist with red watery eyes and a nose to match "Stay with me."

"Stay with me, Dr. Kepner," Dr. Bowen said to her "Stay with me. I know it hurts, I know you are in a lot of pain and I will do everything I can and fight for you… But you have to stay with me." The elder woman gave Arpil a kind smile. "I think you've had enough for today, I will see you in our next session." April nodded as the woman left the room. April felt better… She was not fine, she was not okay, but she felt better and she knew that the recovery would be slow. Despite all of this she was determined to see the end.

"Hey."

April looked up to find her best friend who greeted her with a smile. A smile that would make her blush any other day. "Jackson…" she said softly as he came into the room.

"Were you crying? Are you okay?" he asked making his way to her "I hope this makes you feel better," he said handing her a closed Styrofoam container.

She took it and opened slowly. "Jackson… You shouldn't have," she said.

"I figured you would want some fries… I know you like to eat them at least once a week and since you had your session with the psychologist I figured it was perfect timing." he said explaining himself to her. She thanked him and ate silently. He watched her without saying a

"What?" she asked, midway to putting a fry in her mouth.

"Nothing…I just… Are you okay?" he asked.

"No," she said eating the fry and taking a deep breath. "But I will be," she said reaching out for his hand. Jackson smiled feeling his heart flutter. It was official, if it wasn't true before, he knew now that he was in love with April Kepner. For a moment, he considered how he could ever not be, realizing quickly that there was no questioning it. Not anymore.

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**Hope you guys like it!**

**I would love some feedback**

**Stay Tuned**


	5. Chapter 5

**HELLO DEAR READER**

**I am so sorry it has taken me long to update. I was in a Japril funk but the latest episode whipped me back into shape so... here is Chapter 5 **

**HAPPY READING**

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It had been two weeks since the incident. Fourteen days. Somehow, putting a physical number to it made the time since that much harder to bear. When she came for her meetings with the psychologist, she didn't come to see him. There hadn't been any call. He'd never even been calmed with a simple text. At this point it didn't need to be anything elaborate. He just needed enough to know that she was okay. Even as he thought the word he knew it wasn't true. Not yet. It wouldn't be for a long time. Even so, he needed something…Anything, though he kne he'd lost the right. Jackson was anxious and it showed, even though he gets that he lost rights to that too, considering all he's done.

"Robbins," he said as he ran to catch Arizona "How's April?"

Arizona sighed as she made eye contact with him.

"Jackson, just call her," she mumbled. "I don't know what I am or am not supposed to tell you. Just pick up the phone and call her. Get the answers for yourself. That way I don't get shot for being a crappy messenger," she shrugged. "But do it before 2 because she has a fitting she can't miss." And with that, Arizona was gone.

"Dr. Avery," called a voice from behind him. As he turned, Jackson was met with a passive aggressive smile. "I'm on your service today."

_Great_, he thought, his ex best friend was on his service… this was going to be a fun day.

* * *

"You have a fitting today… Are you excited?" Matthew asked sweetly.

"Yeah" she lied to him, and forced a smile across her face "I hope the dress is ready."

"I'm sure it is April," Matthew said as he walked up to her "I can't wait to see you in it, I can't wait for us to be married and put all these bad things behind us," Matthew sighed as his arms arms cautiously wrapped around her waist "I love you."

"Me too," she replied and peck his lips. She hated to admit that she wanted this moment to end as soon as possible.

"Off to work," Matthew said, trying to not look sad at his failed attempt for a sweet moment. "Call me if anything, alright?" April nodded offering him a light and what she hoped looked like a genuine smile. With that, he was gone.

April tried to not feel so bad about what just happened since her therapy sessions stressed to her that she shouldn't. She was told on countless occasions that it was perfectly okay to not give people what they what they wanted, that she needed to focus on herself. But for April, being selfish (even if it was for a perfectly valid reason) was easier said than done. Matthew had been so good and patient; he had been sleeping in a separate bed and had given her space. As kind a gesture as it was, it felt wrong. There was something that felt completely off about the relationship, about the wedding… about everything. She did her best to push those thoughts aside and get ready. Despite how she felt, she had a fitting to get to.

* * *

Jackson walked over to Alex who was going through a chart at the nurses' station "Hey, your girlfriend's shooting daggers at me. I think if it keeps up, I might turn into stone in a minute."

An amused smirked form on Alex lips "you pissed her off… There is nothing I can do 'bout that" he said, obviously with no intentions of helping his friends situation.

"Look, can you just talk to her it's to—" Jackson was forced to stop talking when his phone rang. Glancing at the caller ID, he took a shallow breath. "I need to take this," he said as he made his way to a supply closet to take his call. "April," he greeted, relief washing over him at the prospect of simply hearing her voice, happy that she called. "Wait, what? April, I can't understand…You're where? Okay, I'll be there soon." As soon as he hung up he left the room in a rush and went over to Alex. "Tell Jo to reschedule all my surgeries, I have to go." He could hear Alex calling back to him but he was already gone, already a man with a mission.

He quickly changed out of his scrubs and into normal clothes, one leg through a pair of jeans as he rushed for the door. He couldn't think of a time when he'd done that so fast, but the phone call kept playing in his head. April's shaky voice, paired with her quiet sobs, telling him to come over to the bridal shop where she was. He didn't know what was going on, but the fact that she was upset was enough for him. Maybe it wasn't as big a deal as he'd formed in his head but she was upset, and that was enough for him.

He was thankful that the traffic wasn't as terrible as it could have been, and parking was not hard to find. God was on his side today. He walked into the bridal shop in a rush and out of breath, suddenly feeling out of place as he entered the quiet shop.

"Hi…" he said coming to the front desk "I have a friend here. she called me a minute ago. She was upset. Her name is April Kepner…" Jackson stopped talking when the woman nodded and he knew she knew who he was talking about. The woman led him to a room where everything was white, and the only thing that stood out were those red curls that made her easy to spot, even in the most crowded room. She was sitting down with a glass of champagne in one hand and the other supporting her forehead. "April," he said walking towards her and her as the woman behind him close the door. April looked up, and Jackson melted at the sight of her red nose and watery eyes. "April…" he said again. Softer, a kind smile coming easily. He watched as she got to her feet and took a deep breath.

"What do you think?" she asked, to which he only shrugged. "And please don't do what I did the night you told me you were going to Tulane. Don't tell me that we have to pretend to be happy about this because I know what I am right now and I am not happy, Jackson. I'm not happy."

Her words took him back to that night, the familiar churning of his insides returning as he recalled how wrong it felt to leave her. Looking at her in that dress, Jackson couldn't help noticing how beautiful she looked. The worst part of it was that the beauty before him was all meant for someone else. Someone who wasn't him. The reality of it all made him more than sick. It made him…strangely miserable. April was someone that deserved to be happy, someone who deserved so much more than this, more than him. He was suddenly struck with disgust as he again recalled the reason he didn't give her. As often as he played it in his head, knowing now exactly what he'd give her, even knowing it wouldn't even be close to encompassing all that he really felt for her, he wondered why he couldn't speak the words she needed him to the first time.

He didn't because not only shouldn't he have to, but this could have been her adrenaline talking. Cold feet, doubt. It could have been a lot of things. Pushing her away was the logical thing, because Matthew was a good guy who loved her. Matthew was the one who would be good to her. Why he thought he wouldn't, why he doubted himself, he would never know. "April…"

"Everything is so wrong, Jackson…" she said putting her glass on a table before walking towards him. "There's no field, no butterflies, and the mints…I'm counting the days to this wedding not because I can't wait but because I need to prepare for the hardest day of my life. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay, that I'm happy with the venue, that I'm happy with the catering choice, the flowers…" she ranted in her signature neurotic way. "I don't want to pretend I'm okay with marrying Matthew because I'm not, Jackson. I'm not the same April that said yes to Matthew and I realized something. Something I'm finally able to come to terms with. I was scared but I was an idiot, Jackson!" she said louder, throwing her hands in the air, a minor squeak coming at the end of her moment of desperation. "I don't know what I was so afraid of. I know now the things that are worth being afraid of. And what I felt, how I felt, how I feel…It's not something to be afraid of," she mumbled.

"April … I don't know what you're saying. I—"

"I'm saying that I hate you for walking away that day when I found out I wasn't pregnant. I hate you for sleeping with Stephanie, and I hate you for smiling at me when I said yes to Matthew. I hate you for almost dying and I hate you for not giving me a reason…I hate you because you're looking at me in this wedding dress, ready to marry someone else and all you can do is stand there. I hate that you're looking at me like you used to, even though I am breaking down right in front of you. I've never been so messed up and you look at me like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you. I hate that I count on you and you keep letting me down, that I hope for you to come around and you crush it… I hate that this had to happen to me for you to notice me and I hate that you're just standing there like an idiot. Say something!" she screamed at him pushing her hands down hard, in tight fists. "You gave up on me, Jackson. You let me go and I hate you for that!"

Jackson took a deep breath not sure how to respond to anger "I'm sorry. I thought you were happy. I thought you were all excited that he would be getting you everything you ever wanted. I wanted you to have everything you wanted."

"And now? Now that you see I'm not happy, that he isn't what I wanted…Are you going to give me a reason, Jackson?" She released the tightness of her fists that seemed to be holding back the tears because as soon as she let go, the tears began a steady flow down her face.

"I shouldn't have to give you one," he whispered.

"And I shouldn't have to ask for one, Jackson, but I am" she shot back before walking up to him "But I am because I can't wait for other people anymore. I can't wonder. I can't let life "takes its course" she muttered using air quotes for emphasis. On any other given situation she would have bitten back on the rare sarcasm. As it was, the two had danced around this for far too long. "I need control over my life and to not just fall into a marriage because the guy is all kinds of perfect. So perfect there are days it makes me uncomfortable to be in the same room with him. So I'm asking you to give me a reason not to marry him not because that will determined whether I marry him or not, but because I want you to give me a reason. Give me something solid and meaningful. Don't give me some crap you throw together in thirty seconds just so I'm satisfied and can walk away with some kind of clear conscience."

"Don't marry him," he blurted, a bit frustrated with her because April Kepner was by nature a frustrating person but he didn't care. "Don't marry him because I have more than one reason for you not to and you can have them but remember, April, you are the person in control. I don't have to give you a reason. You can do what you want… Either way I'll be here to support you like I always have been." He held her face gently and kissed her forehead. "Me and you, April. That will never change" with that he was gone leaving a relieved April.

* * *

Jackson felt like an idiot. As often as he realized this, feeling stupid about it never lessened. Once again, April had put herself out there and he didn't give her anything back. After everything she had been through, all she was trying to do was find the one thing that made her happy and that was him but he was too blind. "Dammit," was all he could say as he took a shot of the strongest whiskey he had and let himself fall into the couch. He wished he could invent a time machine and go back, not to this afternoon, but to the day the bus exploded so he could give her a reason. Or maybe he could rewind to the day where he walked away from her. He had given her so much crap about not being able to choose. He did sleep with Stephanie and he did decide it was serious. He didn't fight for her. The door bell rang and he cursed some more as he got up. "Coming," he said, not even trying to hide his bitterness. When he opened the door he found April Kepner.

"I called it off," she said as soon as his face came into view "I don't want this wedding anymore. I am not marrying him Jackson..."

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